The Birds Just Ate the Bees

So... let's talk about sex.

In my middle school years, I made self-pledges of abstinence from alcohol, illegal substances, and sex. The first two are still in effect, and I do not foresee the voiding of them anytime soon, if indeed they shall occur in my lifetime. So far, I have only revealed the alcohol pledge to others, and fielded questions concerning the reason behind it. That pledge shall be discussed at a different time. The pledge against illegal substances should be, I hope, self-explanatory.

The pledge against sex is a bit of a mystery to people - that is, if people actually knew about it. I had never told this pledge to anyone else, although this can be attributed to my general reticence. It was a secret shared with no one, and I felt there was no need to reveal it for any reason. My stance on the subject was clear-cut: no sex. None.

Why? Simply because I was afraid of sex. I received no advice from anyone senior to me; "the talk" never emitted from my parents' lips. The most I ever received from my parents is constant warning about trust, namely, that I shouldn't accept drinks from men. Lord knows what they could put in those innocent-looking cups of juice. Not that it mattered, because I avoid alcohol, and non-alcoholic beverages were usually self-served.

Despite the innuendo shared with friends during adolescence, the secretive, snickering chat about "making out" and "getting it on", the witnessing of couples kissing under schoolyard trees and hugging a little too intimately, I still didn't know much about sex, save perhaps for the pamphlet from my doctor. Even then, it was still a mystery. If the act was simply putting a stick-like thing in some hole on my body, then I see no reason why anyone should fret over it. Nobody frets over sticking a sausage into my mouth. Sausages are tasty, after all.

I broke that sex pledge years ago, when I realized that I was depriving myself of perhaps the greatest pleasure granted to man. Man is an animal, and should not deny himself the enjoyment of primal instincts. Who am I to pledge abstinence, when I, like many others, could barely resist feeling my body? Such irony was noted by a close friend many years ago, and he never could figure out how I could live such an irony. Not that it matters anymore, anyways.

Still, I have yet to engage in sexual intercourse. There must exist certain conditions before I would commit to losing my maidenhead: first, that it is done with the intent of love, and not just lust; second, that it must be with someone that I can trust. Both are somewhat obvious reasons, but I have had trouble finding anyone in whom I can place complete trust. It's mainly because I grew up somewhat paranoid in the first place.

Wherever I can find this apex of human pleasure, I hope the search has not been in vain. I just hope someone can understand my masochism.