Internal War

Anyone who began to know me just this semester, or perhaps the previous semester, will find it impossible to believe that I am at constant war with myself. It is not a simple two-sided war; the quote "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" finds its meaning useless in this war. Everyone and everything within me is an enemy to one another.

This war reached one of its peaks last semester, due to a mistake that quickly turned into a strife of climax, where the mental blood spilled fresh from the wounds of the many me's within me, and my body was merely a wandering, soulless battlefield. Love and hate clashed, sympathy and apathy dueled, confidence and self-pitying ripped each other asunder. Day in and day out, these forces and others filled their bloodlust and craved for more. Some days were more peaceful, some more contentious. The war never reaches an end.

I firmly believe in the quote: "The worst enemy is within the self." Terrorists are a joke, sexual predators are clowns, street crazies are buzzing little flies. Insults and tirades, shot from the mouth-guns of the dissatisfied and the angry, are merely bullets of cotton to my body-shield. No one, absolutely no one, can scare or threaten me, except myself. In fact, I fear myself more than I fear death.

Last spring was also a peak in the war, and actually got me in trouble . I cannot describe how mind-altering, how uneasy and tense, the situation was. A simple war cry had found itself from my war-torn heart to an innocent victim exterior to my body. This resulted in a stressful night and a forced move into a different dormitory. I will not describe exactly what happened that night online; any curiosity can be directed to me personally. (I actually don't mind talking about it, seeing that it's in the past, but FB isn't exactly the best place to do so. It is where my trouble started, after all)

In the midst of this internal war, one stands out the most; the fight between the war generals. Here is the only two-sided battle: the duel between Heart and Mind. I think the significance of this is self-explanatory enough for me to save further details for the boldest of inquiries.

I'm not sure when the war began, but I do remember a dream I had once, a few years ago, in which a conference between enemies was held. In that conference were many me's: Anger, Happiness, Frustration, and so forth. And in the center of the conference - perhaps it was really an interrogation - was my Reason, the only soldier of the Mind, but a powerful one, worthy to be its own army. All my Emotions wanted to overpower Reason, imprison it, use it as a war slave. They threatened it, mocked it, sneered and spat at it. No war was declared then, no event worthy of initiating the declaration was made then, but it was the beginning nevertheless of the self-war.

Sometimes I look around and wonder about the people I see. Are they fighting themselves? Are they punishing their weaknesses? Are they beginning their wars? Is it possible to have no self-wars?

I do not believe embodied peace can be achieved. Perhaps the self-war is life itself, the sole meaning of "alive", and most people just don't realize it. 

Who knows? This one doesn't, this one will never, and this one doesn't care to. Also geht Leben.